The boy ain't right

Have you ever looked back on a relationship and asked, "What was I thinking?" I certainly have, and I bet many of you have, too. By the time we reach our mid to late 20's, most of us have accumulated some interesting stories from the dating front. Now that I'm one year shy of 30, I've decided to take stock of my past, learn from it and put it to rest. An examination of my dating history, which in cinematic terms might be considered a tragicomedy, is essential in this endeavor. Anyway, it occurs to me that others might also learn from my mistakes, and so, readers, I give you a list of red flags, culled from my own experiences and those of my friends (most names have been omitted to protect everyone's privacy, and all that).

You might want to end it if:

1. He gives himself a nickname, and that nickname is Bridge, or any other inanimate object.
2. He spends more money at the bar in one week than you spend on groceries in a month -- or two months.
3. He brags to his friends that you picked up a particularly large tab.
4. He doesn't visit you in the hospital.
5. After several months of dating, he refuses to introduce you to his parents, even though they live just down the street.
6. He refuses to give you flowers because he thinks they're cliche.
7. He makes fun of your music "sensibility," and not in a good-humored way.
8. He tries to make you choose between your friends and him.
9. He throws away sweet notes you've written because he "doesn't like clutter."
10. He interrupts an impassioned speech about a current affair just to mention how much he likes the skirt the girl at the next table is wearing.
11. He spends more time in front of the mirror and/or shopping than you do.
12. He owns more personal grooming products than you own.
13. His apartment it totally spotless, and he doesn't have a maid.
14. He checks your blog 17 times a day.
15. He stops to make sure you know who Sandra Day O'Connor is before he continues his sentence.
16. When describing you to his friends for the first time, he mentions only your appearance, how much money you make, and how much you adore him.
17. He tells small lies for no apparent reason.
18. He lies about his education or career.
19. He lies about his faith.
20. He is a knight.
21. He gets really bent out of shape if you rearrange the items on his coffee table.
22. He calls or text-messages you several (read: five, 10 or more) times in an evening, even though he knows you're on deadline or trying to spend quality time with a friend you haven't been alone with for more than a year.
23. After a few days of dating, he changes his screensaver to your name.
24. After a few days of dating, he prints out your photo and tacks it to his wall.
25. He shoplifts for the thrill of it.
26. He's had relations with a cousin.
27. He can't remember your birthday -- or where you grew up -- but he can remember, in striking detail, your criticism of a band he likes.
28. He's a touring musician.
29. He hits you or threatens to hit you.
30. He thinks a woman's place is in the home.
31. He tells you your friend is the hot one, but you're the good conversationalist.
32. At the end of a first date, he says you remind him of his sister, just before he leans in for a kiss.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm bitter about my dating history, because I really, truly am not. Hell, I love men, and I can look back and laugh at most of my experiences (but I still want to beat up some of my friends' ex-boyfriends). I also have lots of good memories, and many of those stem from relationships with the above perpetrators. I'm just saying be careful out there, singletons. Listen to your guts.