An open letter to Uptown Dallas

Dear neighbors and visitors to the Uptown area:

It has come to my attention that you are annoying. I offer you the following:

• Your voices carry. No matter how fascinating and hilarious you find your drunkenly bellowed remarks, I can assure you the rest of us aren't nearly as impressed as you are. And while I'm sure you're mesmerized by the details of your new cellphone and calling plan, I am not.
• The sidewalk beneath my apartment is not your personal urinal. Neither are the sidewalk and flowerbed across the street.
• The fact that you own (or, more likely, lease) a car that's fancier than mine does not automatically grant you the right of way.
• The fact that you have a career that's arguably fancier than mine does not impress me, nor does it make me want to date you.
• Please end, or at least put on hold, your cellphone conversation while checking out at the grocery store. I'm fairly certain the rest of us have no interest in your harrowing experience with the wedding cake baker. We also don't care what you're wearing to the shower.
• Please do not assume that those of us in the gym find it perfectly OK for you switch the channel from CNN to Oprah. Please concede that some of us may, in fact, suspect Oprah is in league with the Devil.
• If I hold open the door for you, Britney, Chelsey, Chase, Taylor, Hunter or whatever your name is, you should acknowledge this small act. A simple "thanks" will suffice.
• Similarly, if I apply my brakes in the garage to let you round the corner, the courteous response is a wave. I realize you may have to put down your cellphone momentarily to accomplish this, but the person on the other end probably won't notice a brief lull in the "likes" and "you knows." You might consider purchasing one of the popular hands-free phone adapters to make this less of an inconvenience to you, but if you do buy one, please suspend your conversation once you board the crowded elevator.
• Sunscreen: It's your friend. Please obtain some and apply it liberally to your person before spending the entire day broiling beside the pool. Don't worry. This won't diminish your and your friends' eerie resemblance to the casually hip characters in a J. Crew catalog. I may not necessarily like you, but I don't want you to get skin cancer, either.
• Some days, clothing just feels too restrictive. I totally empathize with you on this. But please, for the love of God, consider buying a robe to wear around the house, at least when your blinds are open, your lights are on and it's dark out. I admire your evident commitment to physical fitness, but I'm also easily distracted.

Sincerely,
Rock and Roll Grammarian